I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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