i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
