i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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