There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
