I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
