I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
