paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
