I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Two words: blizzard sex
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize