imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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