On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize