his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
