Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
