I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Can I color on your dick again?
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
