I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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