No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
