I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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