I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
