her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
The beer is more important than you right now.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize