His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
