My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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