wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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