I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
