We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
i dont even know how to be here
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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