Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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