i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
