yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
