Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize