Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
