my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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