I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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