Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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