You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Is it penis luge time yet?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
