I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Jerry, you need to find god
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize