this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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