Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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