Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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