I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize