Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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