I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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