I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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