why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
