sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
