When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
