I need to stop coming to work sober
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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