Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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