I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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