I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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