I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Randomize
