Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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