I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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