So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize