Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
