Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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