listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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