she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
