I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
