i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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