I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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