somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
