i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
