Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
