I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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